Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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