"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
