I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
