You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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