i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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