I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
