I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
