So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
