I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
