apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
