I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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