do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
