It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
