All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
