i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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