Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
