you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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