My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
