Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
