I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we're making bets on your personal life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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