just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
