This girl is more easily done than said...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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