around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
