I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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