Porn is love you can see.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
