Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
