i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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