He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
