I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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