My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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