im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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