the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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