rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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