i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
