Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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