Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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