So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i would punch a child for taco bell
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
