Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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