you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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