awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
