I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
