I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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