I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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