it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
