My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
