I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I could make wine with my vomit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
