I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
