I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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