I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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