Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
