Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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