You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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