I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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