So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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