If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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