Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
