oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
