A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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