I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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