If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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