I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
