she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
